I admit it, right here in front of a least 10 people, I am a success saboteur. I do not sabotage other people's success, but throughout the years I have done a good job on mine.
Believe it or not, pirate or not, I've always been a person who has pushed the limits, in school or in many other places. Always wanted to see how far I could go from what was expected and found quite definitely that this was not the road to success. Before this goes too far though I think that I need to put forth what my particular definition of success was over the years. Success to me, at the time, was not to be totally bored by what I was doing. If this was a job and boredom was on the horizon, I found ways to make it entertaining, often perhaps not that entertaining to management. When I was in school my attention would always be captured in the beginning, but if boredom broke on the horizon, my best effort went out the window. I then looked for something more entertaining or at least interesting to do.
Raising children was something that I would not say I was a success at, but it was never boring and almost always enjoyable and actually caused me to put forth my best effort. My mood still swung back and forth, but with a nice stable husband and father the kids turned out o.k.
Since I'm sure you didn't buy in for my life story, let's skip ahead to the time when I found out that there was a name for the "success saboteur" and that was bipolar illness. After a few firings and the stress of menopause, I took a break from the world for about a week in a locked floor of the hospital (where BTW I met some very interesting people, not at all boring) and started the long journey to finding out why I had sabotaged my own success and life for over 50 years. It has taken time and I'm still a saboteur, but am trying to become disciplined and use whatever talents I have for good, not evil. Writing has seemed to be that place oddly enough; in college if told to write anything I would cringe.
Here comes the "cheap applause" part. My family stood by through all of this and I have a 37 year marriage. And the people I have met blogging and writing have been so encouraging that I may have found my place in the world. I still won't turn down a plunder or a party, but it will not interrupt my success any more.
This post is part of the GBE2 blogging group.
Good for you!
ReplyDeleteBy the way, menopause was HORRIBLE for me, too. I honest to blog thought I was going to go crazy, die, or most likely, go crazy and then die. Worst time of my life, no question. I'm past the crest of it now, still nuts, but more my regular brand of nuts.
And my marriage survived it, too. Woo-hoo! Here's to good men!
We are often our own worst enemies unfortunately. It helps to get to a point where you don't cringe when you look back, but instead are settled with the thought that if given the choice, you wouldn't change a thing.
ReplyDeleteGlad you're pushing through it all with writing. Funny how you never know when writing will show up in your life, huh?
ReplyDeletea n d your writing will spark yet another pirate in the storm...yarr...no peg leg about it!~
ReplyDelete(humbly bow) thank you MUAH!
I love the picture!
ReplyDeleteI think that all of us had been success saboteur in our own lives, so don't feel alone or like an alien, ha! I most of the time feel like an alien, hehe.
Honest writing, I love that!
Thanks for sharing!
It looks like you know how to keep from being bored, so that may be a talent of yours as well that could be used to help people who are unhappy with their jobs, relationships or life. This may also be an example of how sometimes, we may not know what our true calling is or what are passions are until we stumble upon them or are put in a situation where they are put right in front of us by default.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Vanessa and Christina who both mentioned how we are all success saboteurs at one time or another in our lives. They key is to try and realize that and learn from it and keep on moving along :)
Also, it sounds like you have a wonderful husband and family. Good for you! That can be inspiration for writing as well.
The Madlab Post
I'm so glad that you found some positive outlets and comfort through writing especially. Also happy to see that your family was strong enough to stick together through good and bad.
ReplyDeleteA lot of people tend to sabotage their own success, but from your clinching line, it sounds like you have not done this.
ReplyDeleteMy son was part of a high school soccer team that used to end up number two in the state every year. We'd repeatedly watch those guys snatch defeat out of the jaws of victory.
Thanks for stopping by my blog.
Joyce
http://joycelansky.blogspot.com
I know exactly what you mean, Pam. I could probably write the same things, as I am bi-polar too. The amount of screw-ups.... well I don't need to tell you, do ;) *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI have sabotaged myself too. But the fact we all keep plugging away is a success in itself. I enjoyed reading your thoughts about success. Writing really does help. Who would have thought?? In school I wrote because I had to, who would have thought 25 years out I would be writing because I like to. Weird. Nice blog!
ReplyDeleteKathy
http://www.thetruckerswife.com/
I enjoyed reading you post. I proclaim I am on the way to success...over all success...but in the mean time, I just want to enjoy the journey...
ReplyDeleteAnd quite like you I don't like to be bored...so I like to spice the journey up along the way too.
Thanks for sharing :)
Cheers,
Jenn
What a wonderful post. I loved it all, and the cheap applause part is terrific. Bravo!
ReplyDeleteI'm the exact same way! I can't be bored--I'm always looking for something to stimulate my mind.
ReplyDeleteA fellow "success saboteur!" :) I'm working on it too.
ReplyDeleteI never liked writing in school either. There were too many limitations and the crap we had to write about could put a meth head to sleep. But it has since become something I enjoy doing too.
Wonderful post. Touching and so honest. I hear you about the boredom thing. I would tune out if there was boredom on the horizon and retreat into my imagination. I still do that at 51!
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear you've had struggles with bipolar but it sounds like you've come to terms with it and are coping as well as could be expected. Glad you still have your sense of humour! You are more of a success than you think you are! I hear you about the success saboteur bit. I've done that to myself a lot over the years, especially job-wise. It's like I think I don't deserve it so I don't try very hard or let others stomp on me as they forge ahead to their success. Oh well. I don't work full time now and the only thing I miss is the money and not the stress, the exhaustion and total lack of time to get anything done. Wow, am I ever yappy! Sorry about that! ;)
Agree. Wonderful. Touching. Honest.
ReplyDeleteHave bi-polar in my family. My own son is one of those members. My heart aches for him as I watch him go through it. And, those locked hospitals are sometimes the safest and best places for help. I have many friends who have to use them with their kids to press the "reset" button.
Happy you have pressed that button yourself and that you have family and an outlet. Onward and upward!
Bipolar disorder runs in my family. I have sabotaged myself on many occasions. I still do, and I get angry with myself sometimes because of it. Menopause did not change me. I rushed through it somehow oblivious that I was even in it until it was over. You're right about bipolars. They can be engaging, interesting, frustrating, and entertaining. Though I've never been diagnosed, my symptoms are similar to my father's symptoms, and I know what mania and depression feel like. As I've gotten older the episodes have become less frequent – thankfully. Thanks for your honest approach to a disease that can sometimes be devastating.
ReplyDeleteTheresa Wiza
http://www.writingcreatively.org/
I'm grateful for your support as I'm sure you are. This is probably just a "strange" path in your road and you'll come through it fine. Writing is an outlet and I'm sure you're grateful for it. Keep up the good work!
ReplyDelete